Blackadder twists fifth  The idiot and the money
by J J Rowling
Summary: Based in the swinging sixties, Blackadder must clean up after one of the homeless people who come to his homeless centre, Baldrick tells everyone that he has won the lottery. Stars Blackadder, Cook Miggins, Baldrick, Drunken Darling and Rich George.
1. Baldrick and the trunks

Blackadder twists fifth – The idiot and the money

With his feet lying upon the table, Blackadder smoked on his pipe as he waited for just one of the homeless people to wander into his H.T.H (Help the homeless) centre, which had been set up by the Government two and a half years ago. In that time, only three people had ever came in – Baldrick the beggar, Darling the drinker and George, who was rich but never bothered to go anywhere else. By his side was Cook Miggins, staring romantically at the crumbling open sign that hung in the window.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" Miggins sighed dreamily.

Blackadder shifted his legs off the table and swivelled around to stare at Miggins.

"What is?" Blackadder sighed, smoke spilling out of his pipe. The cook used to have one brain cell but she had gambled it away two weeks ago.

"The sign," replied the dim-witted cook.

"I have heard it all now!" Blackadder roared in frustration. "Can this day get any worse?"

The bell jingled in the corner as Baldrick, the beggar who lived in the recycling bin on Town street, wondered in, stark naked besides for the tight swimming trunks that covered his private parts.

"It always can!" Blackadder advanced on the idiot with disgust clear on his face. "Have you brought a paper?"

"Err, no," Baldrick replied.

"Magazine?"

"Err, no."

"Telegram?"

"Err, no."

"A towel to hide your private parts?"

"Yes! Actually no!"

"So why are you almost naked in a public place?"

"It seems empty to me."

A puff of smoke from Blackadder's pipe engulfed Baldrick. The beggar coughed in disgust.

"Why are you here then?" Blackadder asked furiously. All he wanted was a paper so he could fill in on the week's events. Sometimes, Baldrick would snatch a paper from the rich, pompous people's bins so Blackadder could get a glimpse of the outside world. This was clearly not one of those lucky days.

"Oh, yes," Blackadder was so happy to see that Baldrick had actually remembered something. He didn't know how! Many people believed that Baldrick was a result of a genetic experiment gone wrong or he might be the alien from the Roswell incident. "I've won the lottery!"

Cook Miggins fainted dramatically behind Blackadder, sending the vile soup she was preparing for their three usual visitors spilling onto the floor. Blackadder was thankful to see the soup not being eaten for once! Already, five people had been administrated to hospital after snacking on it. Two had been buried yesterday. The family had asked Cook Miggins to stay as far away from the funeral as possible.

But this thought did not remain in his head for much longer than a second. He followed suit after Cook Miggins, falling unconscious right on the spot…


	2. Money Melchett

Blackadder woke up as Baldrick attempted mouth-to-mouth to keep him alive. With anger, he pushed the beggar off himself before licking off the taste of mud and worms from around his mouth.  
>"You foul disgusting beast!" Blackadder screamed before realising his mistake. "Actually, if I say sorry do I get some money?"<p>

Baldrick vigorously shook his head, flecks of dust flying out of his pathetic excuse for hair.

"Sorry Mr. B! I lent the money to Darling last night. He's at the counter if you want to see him."

Heaving himself off the floor, he heard a crack in his back that forced him to fall back down again onto a barstool.

"Old age that is, Mr. B," Baldrick commented.

"Yes Baldrick," Blackadder replied sarcastically. "It had absolutely nothing to do with me just crashing onto the floor. It most certainty doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I am thirty five, not one hundred and thirty five!"

"I was thinking the same thing," This only resulted in Baldrick getting a clout over the head.

Within a few minutes, Blackadder was ready to go and see his favourite alcoholic, Kevin Darling. His head was slumped on the bar counter, as he tried to pore larger through his ear.

"Hello Darling," Blackadder sniffed in disgust at the stench of the man that sat before him. "I believe you have my, sorry, I mean Baldrick's, money!"

"No!" sighed Darling.

"What?"

"Spent it!"

"On what?"

"A game of cards!"

"Who with?" Blackadder was roaring with frustration now.

Behind him, a slightly overweight man lumbered into the café. A moustache lay upon his upper lip that reminded Blackadder of the time Baldrick had turned up to a fancy dress party dressed as Charlie Chaplin. Long lives that caterpillar. It never deserved to drown in that chocolate fountain.

"Are you telling me," Blackadder roared at Darling. "That you gambled with Money Melchett and lost? How much?"

"274 million," the drunk replied. Behind Blackadder, Mrs. Miggins fainted for the second time that day. Meanwhile, Baldrick was trying to count 274 million on his toes.

"We're dead," Blackadder scowled.

Melchett advanced, showing a glimpse of the mob that waited outside, clubs in their hand.

"I love the sixties," Blackadder cheerily muttered. "Sorry, did I say love? I meant loath!"


End file.
